“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex