Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
You Might Also Like
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
drew a comic about my origin story
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Dance like you’re not the father
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Same post same
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.