3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
What
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Cashiers are always checking me out
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.