“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.