CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”