Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
12653.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting