I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
an airline just for babies.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My nickname in high school was “who?”