“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.