I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.