I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan