Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop