*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad