[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
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“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
peeping toms
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.