Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink