My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
every single time
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*