I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*