If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves