My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
You Might Also Like
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent