😆this is so true
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Employees must applaud the planets.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.