Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.