I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.