AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink