There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I just ran a .003048K
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My neck, my back, my…
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.