I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio