Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
termite twitter scares me
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?