It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Remember folks 😂
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
When you kidnap a writer.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.