Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
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Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..