I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Would you wear it?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it