FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.