ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.