Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week