The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.