These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
🔦🌙👣
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
good work, everybody
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient