Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces