I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
From my Mom
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.