Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I am a gravy boat captain
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.