Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
*updates tinder bio*