If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.