I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
mathematically impossible
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything