[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
You Might Also Like
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!