why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously