I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
#MeanwhileinCanada