Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.