“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Cucumbers Anonymous
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.