I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito