I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
#DesignFail
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.