Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
next question.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it