Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no