I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?