Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Good morning.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out